To be listened to and empathically understood

Talking is one of the activities that happened in our daily lives, but that doesn’t mean that every conversation we have are in good quality. The core reason is because quite a lot of people did not really listen to other’s sharing, and they are too keen on giving advise or express their ideas. If we wish the helpee felt that they were listened and empathically understood, helpers must use listening skills wisely. Firstly, non-verbal language is the skill that frequently use throughout the communication. Even though people are not saying any words, their cues and expressions can reflect their reaction regarding what the helpee said. Besides, non-verbal communication is beyond race and culture, even people from different countries are able to communicate via this way. Take siting position as an example, helpee is able to recognise if the helper is really interested to what they say. This can be recognised by how the helper sit on the chair. If the helper lean a little forward towards the helpee, this is an obvious signal to show he/she is interested in what the helpee is talking about. And that will encourage the helpee to share more about their experience. Of course, facial expression is another powerful way to express empathy and understanding towards the helpee. Even no words are used, these communications can show that helper is really listening. 

Apart from non-verbal communication, open-ended questions is another good way to show helper are really focusing on the sharing of helpee. Sometimes helpee will only mention a very brief picture about their experience. That might because of incapability of self-reflection or helpee is having numerous hard feeling, thus he/she can only disclose a little. If helper is able to listen carefully and raise open-ended questions, a good opportunity will be created for helpee to further explain the situation or elaborate their emotion. I’m not saying helper should not use yes or no questions or leading questions, but those questions will limit the helpee’s answer. And helper may miss the chance to explore ideas and feelings of helpee. As a result, I’d say helper should use those questions with caution. 

Without a doubt, skills are important for helpers to assist helpee. But at the same time, it’s also important to realize what kind of blocks to listening are affecting helper. No matter experienced helper or normal people, blocks to listening always exist due to various reason. For myself, distractions in the environment is a critical externa, blocks. I am quite sensitive to noises nearby and those noise constitute strong interruptions. My concentration will be diminished and thus I can’t pay full attention to the others. Other than distractions in the environment, pre-existing judgements is one kind of internal blocks for me to listen to the others. As mentioned in previous journal, I was grown up in a Christian background and thus most of my value are compatible to my faith. When I listen to other’s sharing, I found that my brain will generate some judgements unconsciously.  For example, I found that I’m quite hard to show empathy to men that have extramarital affair because I think this violate my belief, and I will have strong biases to those people.  As a result, I need to pay extra effort to disregard those judgements during the helping session.  

Prejudices and its effect

 

In my own experience, prejudices is easily established within the society. I was grown up in a monoethnicity society that almost 90% are Chinese. Because of the homogeneity, it’s highly likely to meet friends that are from the same ethnicity. And at the same time, the crime rate of South Asians are higher than average. As a result, it’s easy for people to build up perception that many South Asians (in my hometown) are criminals and thus we should not get in touch with these people. Because of the above prejudices, I seldom communicate with South Asians even though my high school are very close to one South Asians community. Besides, I will always hold my pocket tight when I see there are some South Asians nearby. 

On the other hand, family is another environment that create prejudices. When I was a child, my parents always emphasis only people with low education level will be blue-collar workers. Although I know their rationale is to encourage me to study hard, I still brainwashed by their point of view about blue-collar workers, I always think that they are people that are lazy when they are kids. 

The above prejudices are reformed after I moved to UK. In the workplace and church, I have opportunities to meet people from various background. ’m able to listen their story and have more understanding about every person I met. During the communication with different people, I realised that it’s not reasonable to judge people based on their occupation or ethnicity. Working as a blue-collar worker not necessary because people are lazy, but that might because they have better skills and abilities in a non-office setting. After those interaction, I changed my mind and I tried to use new viewpoints to see people that are different. 3.2 After talking about my own experience about how prejudices was created in society and family setting, I’d like to further discuss the importance of helper to be aware of their difference with the helpee. As a metropolitan, London is full of people from different backgrounds and they all have their unique culture, ideas and value system. As a result, it’s not surprising that helper may have great probability to meet helpee that is very different. It’s critical for helper to be aware of their difference because the unconscious bias in helper’s mind will affect how helper treat the helpee when they have a section. For example, helper may have their own religion and thus will have some unintentional judgement towards helpee that have different sexual orientation or value about relationships. If helper is able to identify their unconscious bias and understand how their automatic serotypes works, then they can take action to create a non-judgemental environment for helpee to share their experience and difficulties. 

Take myself as an example, one of my relatives is keen on gambling and sometimes he mentioned his difficulties about living cost. Since I think gambling is a bad behaviour and do not agree with the act of earning money driven by greedy, I found that it’s difficult for me to show empathy towards his situation. In my mind, I always thought that his situation might have been improved a lot if he gave up gambling. As a result, I’m not willing to build a close relationship with him because of this kind of bias. And I’m not willing to put effort to understand his life experience. 

Meaning of empathy

Empathy and sympathy are concepts that can be easily mixed up. But in the context of counselling, they are totally different. Empathy is an ability to understand and share the feelings of another person when they talk about their experience and feelings. It’s not about agreeing with or judging people’s point of view, but to show acceptance to their feelings regarding their own life experience. On the other hand, sympathy is an approach to give surface level understanding to other’s situation. Although people with sympathy will still acknowledge people’s feeling, they lack of sufficient understanding towards people’s emotion. Sympathetic person is not able to show understanding referring to the other’s perspective, they can only see the things from their angle.  

To further elaborate the difference of empathy and sympathy, I’d like to share my story of not experienced empathy. When I was eighteen, I met three to four male friends that are at the same age regularly. Most of us shared our own recent stories when we met. One time I tried to share my own story because I need some support during that hard time. I tried to look for my first job after graduation from university, and I found that it’s difficult to find a suitable job. I was frustrated at that time, and I lost confidence to myself because I’ve spent several months to find a job already but did not get any positive feedback. After my sharing, I was expecting my friends to acknowledge my frustration and accept my emotions at that moment. However, my friends responded in another way. What they tried to do in the first place is to provide solutions about how to deal with my situations, for example, try to look for a job from another recruitment websites, rewrite the curriculum vitae, etc. I find myself couldn’t say anything after their suggestions, and I wish to leave them as soon as possible and find somewhere to be alone. 

When I look back this event again, I can still remember my emotions since then. I thought I couldn’t feel any emotional support from my friends at that moment. What they cared about was how to tackle my problem, just like how we handle questions on public examination past paper.  I wouldn’t say my friends do not care about my situation, but I think that is a good example to differentiate sympathy and empathy. What my friends tried to do is to understand my sharing using their own perspective. They think the best way to eliminate those emotions is to resolve the problem, that’s why they spent a long time to think of solutions for me.  However, they did not realise my instant need at that time was acknowledgment of my feeling but not surface level understanding regarding my situation nor possible solutions regarding my situation. 

For myself, I found that it’s not too difficult to feel empathic towards others. I think that may because of my personalities and the volunteer experience that I had during teenagers. I can always rejoice with people that rejoice; weep with people that weep. I noticed that I have this quality, that’s why I wish to learn more about how to utilise it.  On the other hand, I noticed that some male who grown up from an environment that neglects emotions is hard to understand the concept of empathy. Because of their experience, they think that emotion is femaleine and not related to male, and they prefer to put emphasis on how to deal with existing and upcoming problems. These people might be able to get a good qualification in study or be promoted at workplace, but it’s common that they faced some failure when dealing with family members, friends or colleague. In my opinion, it’s not necessary to classify emotion as femaleine, it’s common for both male and female. Sensitivity to emotions is good for every human, and that’s the key to be empathic to other’s experience. If more people understand the importance of empathy, I believe people will find that it’s easier to deal with human conflicts and issues happened daily, and the whole society will beneficial from it. 

Helpers & counsellor

https://www.cpcab.co.uk/qualifications/the-cpcab-model

Both helpers & counsellor will apply counselling skills when people share their problems & feelings with them. However, there are quite a lot of difference between the two roles. The most important thing is that counsellors have a higher ethical standard, for example, more awareness about the conflicts of interest. In general, a contractual agreement would be mutually agreed before the counselling begin. In contrast, helpers might not have the same level of awareness about the above area because of insufficient training. Moreover, counsellor had more knowledge about how to interfere using appropriate theory and approach, while helpers can only use basic skills to support the others. In some sever case, helpers is not expected to have sufficient training to deal with and thus have to suggest the helpee to seek professional assistance.  

For myself, I noticed that I am quite familiar with basic counselling skills such as empathy, open-ended questions, and active listening. Besides, I read some books about counselling and I have some knowledge about various theories. As a result, I think I am a capable helper when my friends wish to share their issues. However, I think my limitations is that I did not have enough systematic training and I may overestimate my ability that I can help the helpee on my own. Moreover, since helpee that come to me are always my friends, it’s not possible to establish a therapeutic relationships between my friends and me. As a result, what I can always do is to understand their feeling and help them to re-think their standpoint about life problems. But I’m not able to develop any personalised treatment plans like what the counsellor can do. 

Reason to study the CPCAB Level 2 course

https://www.cpcab.co.uk/learners/

Although all the people joining this class are studying counselling, it doesn’t mean that all people have the same motivation. The reason why I study this course is because I wish to discover the possibility that I can be a counsellor in UK considering English is my secondary language. For me, the motivation to study the course is to understand my strengths and limitations, so that I can make better career planning for my future life in the UK. I notice that all individuals come from different backgrounds and have their unique stories. For example, one classmate is keen on learning more about counselling because he understands more about himself during his own experience communicating with a counsellor. In contrast, the reason for another classmate to study this subject is because she wishes to learn some skills and help people at her workplace. It’s a good thing to meet people pursuing the same knowledge and skills but because of distinct motivations.

As mentioned before, different people are having their own reason to study, and it’s very common that people will have own focus during the lesson. For classmates that wish to learn some skills and use it at the workplace, I think they may be more interested in learning the basic counselling skills, so that they can apply them right away after the lessons. For students who are keen on understanding themselves, they might be more interested in understanding the impact of their originated family, spending time to study those theories and trying to link them with their own experiences. For myself, I think I will be more interested in noticing my oral language skills during practicing sections at lesson and to find out more information about the qualifications and progression route. Nevertheless, I think that will not affect how we help each other during helping interaction. We can still assist the others by paying attention to their sharing at the lessons. I believe that our uniqueness can enrich each other’s learning experience and we can all learn something that are different from our own perception. Of course, that requires everyone to be non-judgmental and willingness to listen.

Regarding judgments about the others, I find that it’s an interesting question. Although we only have limited time to know each other, I have already classified people to different categories based on first impressions and conversations that happened during the first lesson. For example, I will identify someone who is similar to my friends because their personalities seem similar. Most likely I will assume there mindset or way of doing things will be similar. I’d say it’s not a fair judgement, but I noticed that I already made the judgement unconsciously. One of the things that I keep reminding myself is that possibly I cannot control the creation of those unconscious judgement, but I can always remind myself not to fully rely on those judgements, and try to understand people by continuous communication during lesson. I think this self-talk is extremely important to me. Since I am aware of the existence of the judgement, I can then try to do something to face it.

未竟的目標

糾纏良久後，終於收到入學通知。是次我帶着很多的期盼、問題以及感受進入校園，我並不預期能夠在這入門的輔導課程中找到所有的答案。但是，我希望可以思考一些根本的問題，了解自己在新家園能否繼續未竟的目標。

最近有機會聆聽一些令人痛徹心扉的故事。故事的主角有不錯的家庭環境，但他所遇到的遭遇卻令人無言以對。到底是涉事者的性格、家庭教育、還是其他的因素導致這一種悲劇發生？我也不知道。我彷彿見到淚水在他的眼角，不能也不敢湧出……

<綠豆>的其中一集節目中提到重大的人生改變很容易令很多以往積累的問題一次過湧現出嚟，迫使大家面對一些以往不願面對的事情。可惜的是，不是所有人也同意需要面對那些封塵已久的傷痕，總是以為可以用「大事化無」這一心態去處理。面對這些困難的課題，到底信仰及輔導學能否提供一些出路？到底我們是否只要求受傷者去原諒加害者，卻無視加害者的暴力？還是我們都同意清官難審家庭事，不理為妙？我相信這將會是未來數十星期一直留在我腦海中的疑問。

Miss you all

你別來好嗎，我近來好嗎

真的確很想念你們呢……

謝謝potin

就是開不了口

最近不敢面對內心的思緒，一直想拖延／逃避，不想去觸碰那些正在發炎的傷口。

只是，那些傷口總是在不經意間告訴我它們的存在，影響著我的心情。

其中一樣最令我困擾的，是我發覺其實自己很害怕向別人表達內心深處的聲音。

我樂意聆聽別人的說話，也願意分享自己的事情感受；但我卻害怕向別人表達自己對於對方的真實想法。

若只是作為一個聆聽者，我不必亦不應在傾聽過程中給予意見或分享自己的想法。

若是分享自己的事情，我可以針對不同對象選擇性的分享，不必擔心會出現對方無法回應的情況。

若要向他者表達自己對於對方的真實想法，那就是另一回事了……

信仰、個性、物質條件、價格觀、人生經驗等等構成了我們對於人生的看法，建構我們回應眼前情況的方式。

以前我以為人的個性早在大學畢業之時已經塑造完畢，以為所有人在往後人生的做法都與那時的「我」一樣。

現實卻是當世事越趨複雜，我們所作的決定很大機會與十多年前的那個「我」不再一樣。

更為令人頭痛的是，我們每個人面對世事時，或多或少都在過程中受到不受的傷。有些人不藥而癒；但有些人卻從未回復過來。

作為受傷者的同行伙伴，其實我也在不經意間吸收了一些有毒物質。

我能夠聽得懂你字裡行間的負面感受，也能略略明白你的思路，只是我並不認同你的想法。

要為事件找一個代罪羔羊不難，但問題是這並不能為現況帶來什麼改變。

要沉溺在負面感受中也不難，但問題是這會令自己的心也同樣腐蝕，變成你不欲成為的那一位。

我知道你也是受傷者，但你的觀點與判斷並不公允。

我很想找個機會向你細說，但是自己每次的卻步都令我更難找到合適的機會…

就是這樣，我也因而一起受到煎熬……