To be listened to and empathically understood

Talking is one of the activities that happened in our daily lives, but that doesn’t mean that every conversation we have are in good quality. The core reason is because quite a lot of people did not really listen to other’s sharing, and they are too keen on giving advise or express their ideas. If we wish the helpee felt that they were listened and empathically understood, helpers must use listening skills wisely. Firstly, non-verbal language is the skill that frequently use throughout the communication. Even though people are not saying any words, their cues and expressions can reflect their reaction regarding what the helpee said. Besides, non-verbal communication is beyond race and culture, even people from different countries are able to communicate via this way. Take siting position as an example, helpee is able to recognise if the helper is really interested to what they say. This can be recognised by how the helper sit on the chair. If the helper lean a little forward towards the helpee, this is an obvious signal to show he/she is interested in what the helpee is talking about. And that will encourage the helpee to share more about their experience. Of course, facial expression is another powerful way to express empathy and understanding towards the helpee. Even no words are used, these communications can show that helper is really listening. 

Apart from non-verbal communication, open-ended questions is another good way to show helper are really focusing on the sharing of helpee. Sometimes helpee will only mention a very brief picture about their experience. That might because of incapability of self-reflection or helpee is having numerous hard feeling, thus he/she can only disclose a little. If helper is able to listen carefully and raise open-ended questions, a good opportunity will be created for helpee to further explain the situation or elaborate their emotion. I’m not saying helper should not use yes or no questions or leading questions, but those questions will limit the helpee’s answer. And helper may miss the chance to explore ideas and feelings of helpee. As a result, I’d say helper should use those questions with caution. 

Without a doubt, skills are important for helpers to assist helpee. But at the same time, it’s also important to realize what kind of blocks to listening are affecting helper. No matter experienced helper or normal people, blocks to listening always exist due to various reason. For myself, distractions in the environment is a critical externa, blocks. I am quite sensitive to noises nearby and those noise constitute strong interruptions. My concentration will be diminished and thus I can’t pay full attention to the others. Other than distractions in the environment, pre-existing judgements is one kind of internal blocks for me to listen to the others. As mentioned in previous journal, I was grown up in a Christian background and thus most of my value are compatible to my faith. When I listen to other’s sharing, I found that my brain will generate some judgements unconsciously.  For example, I found that I’m quite hard to show empathy to men that have extramarital affair because I think this violate my belief, and I will have strong biases to those people.  As a result, I need to pay extra effort to disregard those judgements during the helping session.