Grief of an old widow

During the lesson, we spent some time to discuss a case regarding an old widow and her grief. During the discussion, some classmates suggested to find ways to assist the widow to regain interest to her hobbies and look forward to the future that without her husband. I understand their intention is to help the widow to get rid of the grief quickly, but I’m not sure if it’s too pushy. In the point of view of person-centred approach, I think the key is not to guide the widow to the direction we think is good to her, but to understand what she wish to deal with at the moment. I think what I should focus on is to demonstrate unconditional positive regard to her situation and try to understand what she wish to talk about. It’s understandable that she may not wish to talk too much because of the grief, counsellor have to try their best to demonstrate empathy via non-verbal communication as main channel. If she wish to share about her own situation, I will make sure enough time is spent, so that she have a space to talk whatever she wish to talk about, probably her feeling about the lost, what she thought regarding her children or other areas that she wish to share. Besides, the case mentioned Helen have signs of depression. I think it’s needed to consider referral if her situation is beyond the ability of a counsellor.




To conclude, I shared my understanding of the person-centred approach by sharing my comments about a case. I tried to apply the concepts of the approach and talk about what I think is appropriate to do when using the approach to the old widow.

Relationship with friends in an eye of person-centred theory

Today I’d like to use the person-centred theory to discuss my own relationship with my male friends. In my home country, good students are always expected to study science subject. And students learned to sort things by using scientific and rational way of thinking. I struggled with my future at that moment because of family financial situation and I’m not sure what I wish to study in university. So I tried to seek help from my friends. After a few conversations, I found that it’s difficult to continue the dialogue. My friends believed the best way to sort the emotions is to sort the problem itself, so they tried to offer various ways to solve my problem, such as inviting me to study and careers event and tuition class that can enhance my examination skills. learned the penson-centred theory, I understand more about my feeling at that time. The suggestions that my friends proposed were very useful, but I found that they never understand my underneath fear nor stress. I couldn’t feel their empathy and I felt I was a problem that to be solved and I was dehumanized. I’m not saying my friends didn’t care about me, but what they offered was focusing on solving the challenges that I faced but didn’t consider my emotional needs, and thus I didn’t feel their comfort. I think that might because we’re shaped by the logical way of thinking learned from the science subjects, thus it’s emphasis on finding solutions instead of demonstrating unconditional positive regard and empathy. 

Attachment theory and my childhood experience

In this paragraph, I’d like to use attachment theory as a foundation to discuss how my childhood experience affects my interpersonal relationship. I think this is a good starting point to understand how the interaction between a child and mother will affect the interaction with other people. I was diagnosed eczema when I was a kid. The red and scaly skin was annoying and that affected my daily life a lot. Apart from physically unwell, that also affected my appearance. But interestingly, the skin condition didn’t affect my self-esteem nor formed any obstacle for me to make friends with the others. I met some good friends during the key stage one and two, and I had an enjoyable primary school life and some wonderful friendships. When I looked back this history, I thought a possible reason why eczema didn’t affect me too much is because a secure attachment was developed when I interacted with my mother since the infant stage. My mother provided an environment that was full of love and acceptance and I had grown up with prompt response and sufficient physical touch. I remembered that I can always seek help and support from my mother when needed. And my request was never neglected. As a result, I was empowered to explore the world freely and try to interact with other kids in a friendly way. Even though the illness still exists, I still feel comfortable to build interpersonal relationships with the others.

In the second paragraph, I’d like to share what I heard from a helpee and discuss how the childhood experience formulates anxious-resistant insecure attachment. One of my helpees was grew up in a family that lack of love. Her mother spent most of her attention to take care of helpee’s elder brother and rarely spend time with the helpee. Unfortunately, helpee’s elder brother treated her badly because of his own emotional problem. As a result, helpee is grown up in an environment that didn’t offer sufficient care and love from other family members. And she established a mindset that close relationship can only obtained by ingratiate someone. When the helpee grown up, she wished to draw attention from friends and other males and tried to make them happy, so that she might able to build close friendships or love relationships. After a few helping sessions, she realized her way of building relationships is because of what she encountered during childhood and puberty. And the past hindered her to maintain proper and healthy relationships. Although we didn’t managed to find a possible way out during the sessions, she’s still delighted to understand herself a bit more and she wish to continue to explore possible ways to deal with the insecure attachment.

To conclude, I tried to use the attachment theory to understand my own history and what I heard from a helpee. And I found out that the childhood experience affect people a lot. The interaction between mother and children not only affects the childhood, and it’s highly likely that it will affect the rest of the life. However, I don’t think that the attachment type will remain unchanged for the whole life, I believe there’s possibility to change if people experience proper attachment with their partner or other intimate relationship throughout the life. Since I only have limited understanding about attachment at the moment, it worth more investigation and discussion regarding this before I make any conclusion.

Ideas from psychodynamic approach

I’d like to discuss the fusion of sugerego and values I learned. Superego represents the mind that what I wish to achieve in an ideal world and it regulates my desire, behaviour and speech. The key question is what kind of source that I refer to when the superego is formed. For myself, I think that relates to what I learned from some individuals and church. I am a believer since I was a kid, and I believed that the teaching from the bible is what I wish to follow in my whole life. As a result, the Christian value became the ideal value that determine what’s right or wrong and guide me to become the person that I wish to be. On the other hand, I met many good people at school and church. They did a lot of great things to help other people because of their religion. I was attracted by their personality and doing; thus, I wish to follow these role models’ path and act like them when I grown up. That means my superego was gradually formed by learning from value of religion and some role models, and most of those values are overlapped. When I became an adult and encountered struggles in daily life, I noticed how these values deeply affect me. I found that it’s challenging to completely follow the values when I face people that run counter to the values that I trust, and that make me pain to follow the value such as ‘love your enemies’. I think the struggle between my superego and how my ego balance reality and ideal is the biggest challenge for the past few years. The struggle not just affect how I work, but also challenge me how to maintain a proper relationship with various parties.

如果人生只剩下365天，我會想如何過？

 如果人生只剩下365天，我會想如何過？

最近常聽到別人分享一本名為《別把你的錢留到死》的書，當中提到金錢在不同年紀的意義並不相同，因此不要只為了存退休金而錯失嘗試不同的人生經驗。這本書所分享的概念令我思索一個老掉牙的話題－－－假如人生只剩下365天，而我的身體狀態並沒有變壞，我會想如何過？當我與另一半談到這個課題時，我才發覺自己心中的執念為何。

第一件我打算做的是去參與泰澤或者其他由修會所安排的退修活動。以前由於大假不多，難以花太多時間靜修。而幾天的避靜往往難以洞察內心的聲音與渴求。因此我會希望花幾個星期專心禱告、敬拜和默想，好好整理自己尋道的旅程。

第二件是陪伴太太。那怕是每天都見面，但我總覺得可以花更多的時間陪伴她。因此我猜我會想與她一起做一些她喜歡的事情。

第三件是回家鄉見朋友家人。若生命已經去到差不多終結的階段，我想我應該對世事有多一點的忍耐，能夠視之為無物？若是這樣的話，我猜我應該會希望盡量與不同的人相見，善用時間說尚未說的話。

最後一件是花盡量多的時間幫助他人。受不同屬靈前輩所影響，我一向希望可以學像他們，以自己的性情技能幫助他者。不知為何，這個念頭很快就出現在這張遺願清單上面，或許這是刻在骨子裡的價值觀吧。

別了，母親

自從爺爺在十多年前返回天家後，我家很久沒有再經歷喪親了。想不到在這兩年中發生了兩次，實在叫人黯然神傷。過往的七個月實在非常漫長，我感覺到自己失去了以文字表述內心感受的能耐。對一個喜歡以文字記下心路歷程的人來說，這實在是一件頗嚴重的事。或許這也反映了這事對我的影響有多大？在知道母親患病之後，我改變了一向甚少請求他人代禱的習慣，主動邀請我所認識的弟兄姊妹記念我家的需要。我一向不相信神跡會出現在我身邊，但這次我真的很希望上帝能重現福音書上病得醫治的事蹟。當然，萬物最終都有其定時。相聚的時間如是，人的壽數亦如是。

我心中的母親是一位和藹可親而又優雅的女性。她不是一個外向的人，但她從不缺乏至交好友。她並沒有做過那些轟轟烈烈的事，但卻又在不知不間影響我怎樣待人接物。現透過數段文字記錄我心目中的母親。

－－－

石硤尾與南山村
或許是性格與成長經驗使然，母親偏愛與我們到上述兩個地方吃早餐和買菜。奶茶、雞尾包、雞仔餅、砵仔糕……這些食物都烙印著與母親相處的印記。我非常感恩我在童年時有這一種經驗，不然我的人生軌跡應該會非常不一樣。昔日那間茶餐廳已物是人非，唯獨占美餅店仍舊屹立，但我再也見不到那愛喝奶茶的身影了。

除此之外，石硤尾亦是我經常「請醫生飲茶」之處。由於體弱多病，母親經常與我出入診所成為醫務所的常客，我仍記得坐在接待處代為招呼來者的情境。現在回想，原來母親在多年前已展露出與病人同行的愛心與耐性，不止澤及家人，更樂意陪伴有需要的他者。

關係
我還記得小時候睡不著時母親總會在床邊輕唱「親愛的家驥啊，你在想什麼」的那段回憶。我不太記得童年時有什麼特別難忘的對話，我只記得母親極少打罵，也甚少與我爭執，最難忘的應該是她懊惱於怎樣管教青少年時期的我吧。自高中時代後，母親甚少干涉我的個人選擇－－那怕她並不理解／同意我的想法。我相當感激她採用了這一種管教的模式，令我學懂「先坐下酌量」，並為自己的決定負責。而她也總會一直在背後默默支持我，鼓勵我朝自己的方向進發

母親並不是那種相識滿天下的人，除了一些相識數十年的朋友外，她大部分時間也花了在照顧家庭以及原生家庭上。她十分疼愛每一個家人，總是用溫柔的言行去表達自己對於家的在乎。此外，她與夫家各人的相處展現一種有別於固有印象的可能性。

靈程
母親在我十多歲時決志受洗。她常常說自己不精於讀書，所以常常懊惱於那些有關靈命進深的技巧與知識。不過她並沒有因為這樣而停下腳步，反倒天天早晨花時間讀經禱告，嘗試挑戰自己的弱項。此外，她更嘗試學習帶領初信班，扶助那些初信者。對於一個不愛讀書的人來說，這實在是一種莫大的委身。

相比起為初信者傳道授業解惑，我更為驚嘆她對於長者的那份愛心。那怕是在疫情期間，她都時刻關心他人，記掛不懂科技的人連繫外界的需要。在她與別人的互動中，我看到她何等重視別人。或許她並沒有她渴求的天賦或技巧，她擁有的體貼與愛心卻是我所自愧不如的。

聆聽與情緒
母親是一個很好的聆聽者。她總是耐心聆聽別人的觀點，然後再給予回應。現在的我才明白這是一份何等寶貴的能力。

隨著閱歷增添，我越發敬佩母親的情緒穩定性。有別於錢財，有些東西只能夠透過言傳身教去展現。母親一向都給我一種情緒相當平穩的感覺，她甚少會對身邊的人呈現負面情緒。或許她不懂得賣弄複雜的學術名詞，但她令我明白到了解與控制自身情緒的重要性與可行性。在數十年後，我未必會再記得筆記上那些理論，但我必定會記得她在不同處境中所展露的那份安然。

有時閒聊時母親會問我自己是不是一個好媽媽，有沒有做過甚麼令我受傷害的事。我很想告訴別人妳是一個好得無比的母親，感謝妳陪伴我走過三十多年高高低低的日子。或豐富或缺乏，妳都把最好的給予了我們。謝謝妳。

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以前從沒想過要好好哀傷是一件如斯困難的事。人與事交錯所建構的旋渦令哀傷成為一種奢侈品，也令我深陷於別的枝節所誘發的感受當中。而這亦使我難以真實的面對自己失去母親的哀傷中，實屬無奈。

謝謝諸位在過往半年透過不同的方式展現對我的關懷，不論是開放住處、關心問候又或是其他的方式。我深深感受到你們的重視及愛。在此向各位一一道謝。

＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝

The time has come and I lost my mum (until Jesus comes again). Thanks for all the prayers and kind words during the last few months. I’m so glad to have amazing brothers & sisters, schoolmates & colleagues during the difficult moment.

父母親延伸天父愛
甘心獻身像道橋

LifeLine Reflection - in terms of being a helper

I was helped by a helper 17 years ago. I experienced how counselling skills can help the others, and I decided to be a helper and help friends and other people I met. I wish to share what I've experience with people.

I faced great doubt from people that I trusted. I lost my passion of being a helper and I gradually fade out from the helping work. I spent a lot of time to deal with the emotions and rethink the heping work that I did and the meaning of being a helper.

I met another helper and he helped me to summaeise what's happened and the reason why I'm frustrated for the last few years. And I realised I have to forgive those people who made me suffer. Beside, I met helpee that I helped and I heard her appreciation about my work and how I changed her life, I regain passion to be helper. 

Reflection about feedback

 

Feedback skills to provide constructive feedback to other learners.

Since I have more and more chance to work with the classmates, now I’m able to provide feedback to compare and contrast the performance at the earlier stage and now. I think it’s a good way to encourage people that they have great improvement throughout the training period  and thus have motivation to keep the good work. On the other hand, I wish to keep improving my skills of providing feedback, so that I can give beneficial comment to the others instead of just say something that can’t help people to further develop his skills.

Strong areas of feedback and areas you feel could be improved/are a challenge

I got a reminder from a classmate and he reminded me that I should keep calm when I heard strong emotional expression from helpee. He noticed my performance when we worked on a very bad situation, he reminded that I have to try my best to control myself and use the counselling skills to do whatever I can to assist helpee. I think what he said is constructive. Probably I will not face such difficult scenario a lot, but it’s worth to be prepared before it happen. And I think that’s something that I can do better if I wish to helper the others in the future.

Feedback that aided your skills improvement/re-enforced something you do well

A feedback that I found useful is about what’s the best timing for helper to respond to helpee. Because of my personal experience, I always think that I should give sufficient time helpee to express himself before I say anything. But from another point of view, that will shorten the time that I as a helper to get involved in the helping session using the counselling skills. While I’m still struggling aboiu this, now I try to react differently during the triad. I wish I can find out the best timing for myself in the future.