Conditions of Worth

I think I am quite comfortable to provide feedback to helpee. It’s because I believe providing feedback is a good way to show that I’m really listening to the helpee during the section and I can then share honest comment to help people grow. In general, I prefer not to give harsh feedback. The rationale behind is that I think people wish to listen to people’s feedback regarding their own situation, but actually they don’t wish to listen comment that make them feel bad. To balance the need of providing honest feedback and helpee’s humanity, what I always do is to start with praise and follow with constructive comment. For example, someone told me he is exhausted because of busy life. After talking for a while, I realized that’s because of his intension of over-promise and attachment to friends. Then I told him I can feel that he loves his friends a lot, thus he is willing to spend a lof of time with his friends. However, I noticed his action make himself very tired. Thus I suggested him not only care about needs of his friends, but is also important to take care to his own physical and mental health. I found that this is a good way to deliver the feedback and helpee is happy to listen my feedback when I use such indirect approach. Although the above way is useful in most of the time, sometimes I still feel difficult to provide feedback when I heard difficult stories, such as emotions due to bereavement. It’s always a challenge to balance the need of caring helpee’s emotion and providing appropriate feedback during the section. In such difficult moments, I tend to not talking too much to prevent saying something harmful. I believe silence is golden in some scenario. 

Regarding conditions of Worth, I noticed that the experience that happened in my childhood shaped my personal value and behaviour. When I was a kid, I was inspired by a prayer that called ‘The Prayer of St. Francis’. One of the key sentences of that prayer mentioned ‘grant that I may not so seek to be consoled, as to console’.  And I found that I internalized this value. I always think that it is critical to put other’s needs beyond my own needs, and I think this is the best way to show my love and respect to others. And I think this is the way that I think I am valuable to the others. For example, when my friends and I hang out together, I always act as a listener, and I prefer to not to talk too much about my emotions and recent struggles. Instead, I always care about my friends needs. I’m not saying the value from my belief is a bad thing. But when I become an adult, I noticed that the message I take on board from kid stage causing me put insufficient attention to my own needs and feelings, but always focus on the others first. As a result, I spent a few years to learn how to express my feelings to my family and friends properly in right timing. On one hand, I still wish to show my caring to people that I care. And on the other hand, I don’t want to neglect my feelings. After spending quite a lot of effort, I think I can now treat my own feelings properly and can continue to use my ability to help my friends via talking therapy.