歌聲與內心的對話

有些時候，某些歌詞總會不經意的打動了內心某個位置，令我回想起一些特別的回憶。有時我會想那些到底是已被扭曲的記憶，還是原初最真實的記憶。我個人傾向相信記憶並不是中性的，而是附加了不少當刻的真實感受以及後來的詮釋，進而塑造成腦海中的現存版本。

有些歌詞所勾起的感受並不單單指向某個個體。反之，那些歌詞比較似是勾起對於往事那些美好日子的思念。對過去的回憶並不等於對情況的不滿。只是反映出對於現實中一些煩惱的無奈，企圖透過回憶去淡化現實的傷害以及紓解那種沉重的感受。

其中一種難以拒絕的回憶，當算是人與人深刻的交流互動。或者是因為對於共同話題、又或者是因為一些共同經歷而產生的共患難感覺。無論是哪一種，與他們的互動往往構成往事如煙的感覺。與此同時，，這亦會衍生很多「假如...?」的狂想——為何最後我們沒有成為好朋友好兄弟？從何時開始我們的互動不如以往？若果可以再來一次，會否有不一樣的結局？這些與回憶的較量總會在不經意間再次湧現，因着歌詞而勾起很多很多情緒。有時我會覺得這一種思緒掙扎很痛苦，因為他令我不斷回想起一些不知算不算是遺憾的東西。但是另一方面，這些掙扎又彷彿令我肯定自己擁有很多美好的回憶，以致我有這些奇思妙想。我不覺得自己是一個交遊廣闊的人，但是我很幸運地擁有很多對我很好，信賴我意見的人，以致在生命中擁有很多很多美好的互動。或許現況帶來不少遺憾，但是路仍漫長，也是時候收拾心情繼續走我路。

Jotting: Conversation with AI regarding Henri Nouwen's book

 

I feel like i have some intention to know more about forgiveness, and it's impressive that the same book written by Henri Nouwen was mentioned by AI.

Before reading the booking, there're a few questions that I want to find out and have some self-talk

• What's the point of forgiving and not forgiving
• What's the relationship between forgiveness & reconciliation. Is that possible to forgive, but not take the next step?
• How to define my own thoughs with the others in a clear and definitive way

Jotting: 30s crisis

I spoke to my life coach and mentioned I may have a crisis similar to midlife crisis. Before I asked AI to provide a bit more insight, here're some of my thoughts.

• Feeling unmotivated, feel like I'm repeating the pattern of last week / last month
• Hard to feel relaxed, even I have some entertainment after work
• Finding difficult to express myself, having lower willingness to share thoughts and feelings
• Uncertain if I can still do what I'm passionate at work / off-work
• A lot of planning such as finance, retirement due to worry about future

I'm not sure if it's common for the others, so I tried to have some interaction with Gemini.

Key Characteristics and Triggers:

• Questioning Life Choices: Individuals may start to seriously question their career path, relationships, and overall life direction. They might feel stuck in a dead-end job, an unfulfilling relationship, or just generally unsure about what they want.

• Societal Pressure: There's often immense pressure from society, peers, and family to have certain aspects of life "figured out" by their 30s – a stable career, marriage, homeownership, and potentially children. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy or being "behind."

• Comparison with Peers: Seeing friends and acquaintances achieve milestones like career advancements, marriage, or starting families can intensify feelings of anxiety and self-doubt.

• Feeling Trapped or Uninspired: Many feel trapped in commitments (personal or professional) that no longer resonate with them, leading to disillusionment and a lack of inspiration.

• Existential Questions: Deeper questions about purpose, meaning, and identity become more prominent. "Is this all there is?" or "What is the meaning of my life?" are common thoughts.

• Financial Stress: Debt (e.g., student loans), the high cost of living, and the desire for financial stability can be significant stressors.

• Relationship Re-evaluation: Existing relationships, both romantic and platonic, may be re-evaluated, leading to decisions about commitment or even separation.

• Biological Clock (for women): For women, the awareness of their biological clock can add another layer of pressure and anxiety regarding decisions about having children.

Phases of a Quarter-Life Crisis (as identified by Harvard Business Review):

1. Feeling Trapped: A sense of being caught in a commitment that doesn't feel right.

2. Separation/Loneliness: A period of isolation, perhaps due to moving or ending a relationship.

3. Reflection and Change: Taking time to reflect on life and potentially making changes to existing plans.

4. Exploration and New Beginnings: Exploring new activities, social groups, or career opportunities, and eventually moving past the crisis.

This is the first time that I tried to talk about life challenges with AI (instead of handling work related stuff). I think it's quite impressive and I get some inspirations. I think the next step will be doing some more self discovery and dig into the feelings......

不思量，自難忘

這一年很刻意的把內心感受封閉，把心力用於處理一些更為逼近的事情身上。我知道這並不是最好的處理情緒方法，但這卻是應對crisis 的權宜之計。

原以為時間能助我逐漸處理哀傷，不料一直封印的情緒卻不時洶湧而出，提醒我哀傷並不是如斯容易打發。今天我花了一點時間回顧一些我倆滿有回憶的地方－ 花圃街、巴域街、船景街……腦海中不斷浮現你慈祥的面容及聲線。掙扎良久後我嘗試打開儲存在whatsapp 中的錄音，怎料我連一個60秒的錄影也聽不完。

母親你知道嗎，那幾天我忙於執行一個又一個的程序，盡量把待辦事項完成。但是我卻沒有太多時間處理自己的情緒。

按下火化按鈕那一刻，我知道我終於要跟妳說最後一次再見，直到主再來的日子。那一刻，我感到十分孤單。

母親你知道嗎，失去了妳的日子真的很難捱很煎熬。我不想像怨婦一般不斷提起我的傷痛，但原來不說出來反倒使情緒更難疏導。

有時在夢中見到你，那一刻我深深盼望鬧鐘不會按時響起。

母親你知道嗎，我實在有點疲憊。我真的很想再次伏在你懷裡大哭一場。我已經盡了我最大的努力，但是結果卻不因為人的意志而轉移。

那些纏繞著我的聲音一直揮之不去。或許言者覺得舊事已過，卻不知扭曲的言語使人心碎。

若果你仍在，或許我會有更大力氣，或者是作出不一樣的反應？

間中想起你時，總會浮現一個問題； 「如果你聽了我的分享，你會作出什麼回應？」

我猜你應該會這樣說； 「是的，有些事情真的非常棘手。你努力過就好，不必過於苛求。」

Ps 感恩可以有半天時間好好表達哀傷，好好回憶那些美好的時光。

"That sadness is kind of a gift.….It's kind of a lovely thing to feel, in a way, because it means you really loved somebody when you miss them."

－－ Andrew Garfield

Pause - another reflection about the level 3 study

What are your personal and course goals that directed you to studying a Level 3 in Counselling Skills programme. How will this programme of study support you achieving those goals


Since I was a teenager, I’m interested to be a listener. I’m keened to listen to other’s life challenges and understand their feelings and thoughs via active listening. I felt satisfied when people were able to talk about their deep emotions and understand their underneath desire. Because of several reasons, I no longer live in my home country. I still wish to find out if I can equip myself as a counsellor and use the knowledge to help people surrounding me in either paid or non-paid setting. Apart from that, I think that having good faith to help is good, but it’s better if I learn more theories and skills. So I decided to study the level three course and I wish to improve my counselling skills and be a skillful helpee using English as my second language. In the last eight months, I have numerous opportunities to learn elementary theories to understand people personality, impact of various interpersonal relationships and how life events affect my present life. These knowledge allow me to have better understanding to myself. As a helper, it’s critical to understand my own patterns of reacting to life challenges and values that shape me since childhood. During the study, I have many opportunities to review my past history and interpret a few key moments using the theories. That enable me to view the same incidents in different angles and identify possible areas that worth to explore if I have my own personal therapy in the future. Apart from that, the knowledge also equip me to understand the helpee in a systematic way. In the past, I highly rely on instinct to react to what the helpee said. Now I know more knowledge and that allows me to find out possible pattern that fit particular theory and I can then assist helpee to understand his emotions better. Moreover, I’m able to have a lot of practise with other schoolmates that are keen to be a counsellor. We’re from diverse 11 background and we gain experience of dealing with different personalities. During the triad, we did some role play to respond to various circumstances, that enable us to face possible scenario that may happen in the future and think of possible ways to handle it. 

Now the course is almost come to an end and when I review my original objective, I think the course helped me to achieve most of the goals. Because of various considersations, I’m not going to continue my study next year and will take a break. By studying this course, I have better understanding about my strength and weakness if I wish to be a counsellor in UK. And I know possible growth area in the next twelve months if I wish to continue my study.

===============

A few more words 

I felt upset when I realised that the chance of earning sufficient income (for the household) as a counsellor is very low. I'm keen to equip myself and prepare for the next level training, but it's not realistic to continue the journey at this stage. I'm not saying every people that will study level 4/5 are millionaire, but I can't work it out the cost and time, especially when I'm still working on my settlement and citizenship. Besides, the language barrier is a really challenge and it's uncertain if I'm able to work with local clients, or if I'm able to complete the placement. 

It's hard to tell if I will return to study a few years later, but it's obvious that the route is now closed at the moment, until I figure out how I can sort out the language barrier and living. 

Counselling Case study reflection

I’d like to reflect on questions that are helpful to expand counsellor’s ability to think critically about their cases. When classmates sharing their own cases, I noticed that they all have great understanding about the action and response of helpee, and what they’re struggling are what to do next after noticing the pattern. A suggestion was raised during the supervision, which is trying to explore the underneath meaning of the pattern: ‘ I’ve noticed the pattern during the previous sessions. Do you notice about that happening? How does that feel for you?’ It’s common that people used to protect themselves in daily life using various defense mechanisms, and it’s not easy to deactivate it even though it’s a safe space to share. For example, a helpee is keen to talk about affairs of other people but rarely talk about her own emotions. Helper can try to raise this in future sessions and explore what’s behind, probably there’s something that helpee is aware but hesitate to go deeper. I think the suggested question is helpful because it expands the possibility of how helper can help. Apart from discussing the affairs, the pattern itself is also worth to further explore and there maybe something that helper can help with.

The analysis demonstrate how I display the person-centred core conditions when helpee talked how she and her partner think differently in lifelong planning. To create a comfortable dialogue environment, I maintained silence when I noticed helpee need some more time to open up and process her thoughts. When I listen to the recording, I think I created a safe space for helpee to share. And it could be better if we can further discuss and name helpee’s feeling.

禱告事項 － 28/6/2025

家杰提議大家分享一下大家的代禱事項，謹在此記下

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不再花過多時間於生活瑣事上，能花多一點時間閱讀、寫作

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希望可以聽到弟兄姊妹更加深入既交流 -- 不止是對事情的描述，而是情感、背後的意義等等

期待聽到大家分享經文如何影響自身 -- 道怎樣與人產生互動

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對於何謂香港人的憂慮 －Theseus's Paradox

如何在文化、語言等等建立一個身份認同

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全世界的人仍然可以有自由移動的權利，因為沒有人知道這是否只是暫時性存在的幻影

Jotting: Andor and the Empire

 

Empire try to control all aspects of the citizens, including way of thinking, wishes, and all the other area of their whole life. If we see empire in this way, it's understandable why our religion against the empire.... and why believers can't accept tyranny. 

Andor season 2 try to describe how the empire slave the people and grab numerous resources to build the deadstar. Deadstar is not just a powerful weapon, but also a symbol of the tyranny. The storyline of the first few episodes are amazing, I look forward to how they further discuss the protest of Ghorman people and how the empire smash it.